the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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