Sry I called you an 8
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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