Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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