I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
