Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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