I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize