Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize