I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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