woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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