I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
