How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
