glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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