I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize