So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Hippo gnu deer
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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