I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
