Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
