The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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