Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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