dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I touched a dick in church today
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
