I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
