I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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