i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
