We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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