A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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