Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
