Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
