Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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