They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
