So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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