sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
