WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
