The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
