Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
