she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
