i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
