I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
