I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
