i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize