In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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