those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
