Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
