THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
