the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
