I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
