I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize