I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
