I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
