separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
