If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
ok first of all what the fuck
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
