hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
