Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
