mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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