Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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