oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
