No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
