I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
