I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
